my musical journey

God has been taking me on a journey lately. Healing some hurts, lifting my burdens, replacing fear and mistrust with hope, joy and courage. I shared it with a group of people from my church the other day, and that I have no idea what’s coming, but I’m here for it! Here is the journey…

A couple of weeks back at church we had the opportunity to write some of the things we’re struggling with on a rock and put it at the foot of the cross. To leave it there. Hand it over to God and not pick it up again. I definitely think that was the start of some real movement in my life. For some reason the first word that came to mind was fear. I couldn’t rationalise it. I didn’t even know what I was feeling fear in relation to, but the word wouldn’t go away which for me is generally a good indication it was a real thing. I added a couple of other things to my list, mis-trust and infertility. Mis-trust is definitely related to our journey trying to conceive Benny then his early life experiences. Plus our attempts so far to expand our family. It’s been a while and it’s been hard to trust God has it sorted in that area of our life. But I want to let go of that and trust again.

Later that week we had a team night at church where people who are involved in the running of the church have the opportunity to get together and hear more about the vision of the church and have some time for worship. At one point Amy, one of the senior leaders got up the front and said she felt to pray for people struggling with fear. And at first I was like no that’s not me! But i thought back to my rock and decided I had to do it. One of my beautiful friends prayed for me and what she said was right on the nose, praying for courage to stand up and to step out (probably one of the big drivers behind this blog post!!). That night on the way home while praying I said I wanted to trust God again, and the answer I got was that I needed to let go of the past and focus on what I have right now. So I asked how to let go of it, and the answer was to grieve it, and let it go. While i have had many periods of grief around what we missed in our experience, I went back there once again, finishing by focusing on what I do have, my incredible, energetic, loving, intelligent, healthy wee boy, as well as my wonderful supportive husband. And i felt the trust in that area starting to return.

The next day I started actively participating in my journey. I opened my bible for the first time in far too long, and was led to a couple of different passages that mean a lot to me. One of these was from Isaiah 43:1-4ish

“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…
…you are precious to me.
    You are honored, and I love you.

It was that reminder I needed that hard stuff happens. But God walks with us through it and it didn’t drown me, I wasn’t burned up. I survived, so did Benny, and I can be stronger as a result of it (even if I’m not there yet!).

After our church service a couple of days later, one of the songs was rolling around in my head all afternoon, and so began the musical journey. Have a listen.

What I realised when singing that song, is that the line “I will put my trust in you alone” was now true. I could trust God and I wasn’t trying to trust in myself instead.

A couple of days later I woke up with this song on repeat. Pretty much all of the lyrics got me! “Step out of the shadows, don’t be afraid. Grace is waiting for you. Dance like the weight has been lifted. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom!”

Another couple of days later This song was the next step in my musical journey. “Break our walls down... Heaven touching Earth.”

I mentioned to one of my friends my musical journey, and she sent through one that she’d heard that sounded right for me. I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since. “You’re breaking off disappointment, reminding me where my joy is, I’m stepping into something new. You’re throwing off expectations, breaking down limitations, I’m stepping into something new”

A couple of days later we had our next church service. Being Pentecost Sunday it was all about the Holy Spirit moving and wow it got me good.

I shared some of my story so far at a leaders meeting and one of the others sent me this that afternoon. I’m loving it!

This one has been popping into my mind a bit lately too.

Oh and this one.

I love having music as my constant companion again. I’ve missed it over the last few years.

As I said at the start, I have no idea where this journey is going, but I’m excited! Watch this space!!!